3 Inches Taller

I have anxiety. Endless, debilitating, vomit inducing, heart racing, tearful anxiety.

A lot.

And about everything.

I am terrified of doing new things or going new places or having to talk to new people. So terrified I miss out on a lot of things. I won't go to parties, I don't sign up for classes, and I don't make new friends. This causes a fairly sheltered, hermit style life.

I don't like feeling this way. I want to do new things, I want to go places, I want friends. I just can't get past myself to make this happen. I always feel like I am missing out. I just don't know how to get rid of the fear. The fear of screwing up because I don't know where I should be or what I should be doing. The fear of saying something stupid and that people won't like me or that they will think I am stupid. I am afraid of doing anything wrong and making a mess of things. It has always been easier to just do nothing rather than put myself out there or be embarrassed or ashamed.

That is not living though. I have known for awhile that I need to change, for a couple of reasons. One because I do not want my children to be like me. I try really hard to encourage them to get out there and play with others and let them do new things. I encourage them to go off and play in hopes that confidence now will promote confidence later. I want the best for them, and this is not the best way to live. Second, I'm bored and lonely. I want more from life. I have several hours everyday while Andy is at work and I need to be filling them with positive activities and friends that push me to grow and learn and become a better wife mother and person. Pretty soon I'm going to run out of things to talk to Andy about and I need to create some new memories and topics so he doesn't get bored with me!!

So I have really been pushing myself over the last month. First I entered a writing contest. This was huge for me. I always thought if I entered it would be conceited of me to think I was good enough to enter. Plus, entering sets you up for rejection. I really had to talk myself into it. Even when I had my submission all put together it was really hard for me to hit send. But I did it. For me, the big thing was not about winning (although, I would love to win) it was the fact that I did it. I went outside of myself and did something I was scared of. That is a really big step for me. Who really cares if they pick my submission. I entered, and I am proud of myself.

The second thing I did was sign back up for MOPS. This shouldn't have been so hard since I have been a member of MOPS before but it was a new church and new people. This has all the things that freak me out. A new building I am unfamiliar with that I have to find preschool rooms in as well as my room and it has new people. Walking into a room of new women I don't know and have to talk to them is my worst fear. I will just sit in the corner and hide and feel like a loser that I have no one to talk too instead of just walking up to someone and starting the conversation myself. But in spite of the sick feeling in my stomach and my shaking hands and my racing heart I went. And I had a great time. It was fun and I had some good conversation and started making friends. It was wonderful and I am looking forward to going again next week. I even kind of wish we met every week instead of twice a month.

The third thing came about from going to MOPS. They had a sign up for a bible study class. I have been wanting to go to an adult institute class but the church we go to right now doesn't have one set up. So I was interested. I was also scared. I have never been to a bible study class but I really wanted to go. Childcare was provided and they were using a book called How to be a praying wife. I thought it sounded good and picked up the book and signed up. Then I had a week long anxiety attack waiting for the class to start. Last night it got really bad. My stomach was sick, I was super edgy and jittery and was having a hard time breathing. I couldn't focus on Andy or enjoy the movie he rented. I could barely keep myself on the conversations we had. I really wanted to just not go, but I really wanted to go as well. I guess one reason I finally went though was because I had taken a book and I needed to pay for it. I had an obligation and that made it easier. So I went. And it was great. I was able to chat with a mom going in, the lesson was fantastic and I was able to participate and felt welcome. I had great conversation and talked with another mom on the way out. She had been at the MOPS group and recognized me, she said was glad to see me walking in with my kids. My stomach jumped again but this time it was a good feeling. She was glad I was there and looking forward to seeing me. Who knew? I made a good impression the week before and she even liked me. I would have never guessed.

I am feeling pretty good about everything. I feel like at 26 I am finally learning some social skills, skills that I should have learned as a child/teen that I am sorely missing. I feel like I am growing as a person and I like the changes that have come with it. I am still scared, but at least it isn't stopping me from doing what I want to do. The next goal is to not be scared in the first place and to just have fun.

It has been a busy month with a big growth spurt. Do I look taller to you?